You don’t have to tell me that I haven’t been writing any new posts for a while. I know I haven’t. What’s even worse is that every time I start to write, or get an idea for a new blog post, I start to feel over whelmed or just tired from the thought of getting on my computer or going into the WordPress app, and beginning to write. You see, for me, writing is something that comes from true passion. Passion so strong, that you have to keep writing because you have to get your idea out. But today, I woke up with a spark of passion, ad a clear mind.
For me, that’s been a little difficult because I have allot of Anxiety. More so than I thought I had. And the more anxiety I developed, the more writing, whether it be for school, my blog, product reviews, or anywhere else, grew honestly tiresome. School definitely is something that not only makes my anxiety worse, but zaps away all of my passion and creativity. Allot of internal emotional things took place during the summer, during my postings and after my last post I the summer as well. And I never really talked about what happened, because I didn’t think anyone cared to know. The worst thing you could ever do is internalize your feelings. They just make you angry, and feel as if the world is against you. Which is crazy. How can the world be against you, when the only person who knows what wrong with you is you?
I’m not only writing this post to explain why I haven’t written in so long, I’m also writing this post because, I’m pretty sure that this happens to everybody who is passionate about something and losses their passion, whether it be over time, or all of a sudden. The main reason why I stopped blogging was because of something that happened in spring of 2013. I know that’s a very long time ago, but if you let me explain, you’ll understand why.
Spring 2013 was the semester where I really got taught a lesson, that till this day, I still don’t quite understand. I got harassed by someone I was dating. Everything was going fine and we were getting along great until one day at the movies. Yes. The movies. All because I didn’t want to make out with him while people where coming out of the movie theater. If you have ever gone to the movies, then you know that there allot of people watching you if something is going on. In this case, I just didn’t want allot of people to be staring at me and while we were kissing. I was never really a fan of PDA’s anyway, so this was definitely uncomfortable for me. After that he called me selfish.
The he got mad over a guy liking allot of my personal Facebook photos. Know if you own a Facebook, I mean who doesn’t, right? Then you now that you don’t really have any control over who likes what on your page. I don’t even think he was mad about much so than the fact that this random guy was taking interest in me. He had talked about being self-conscious about his looks and always gave me complements on mine, which I had asked him to stop doing so, because I was dating him based on his looks. I don’t date anyone based on their looks. I just think it’s shallow and stops people from getting to really know one another. And I honestly think that he thought the guy liking my picture looked better than him, and that made him jealous. But that really had nothing to do with me. On top of that I even asked the guy to stop liking my pictures, but that wasn’t enough, because he started to accuse me of cheating on him, when we just went on three dates. We never talked about being in a relationship ever. I mean, he didn’t what me talking to anyone, but I didn’t have a problem with that because I wasn’t planning on talking to anyone anyways. I wanted to give him my undivided attention. But I never said anything about being in a relationship. Ever.
Shortly after that, we stopped talking for a couple of days. He hits me up and asks me if we should continue dating each other. I told him, that I think he should choose what we should do, just to be fair to him. He tell me no that I should choose, and so I do. I tell him I don’t think we should date anymore since he has allot of trust issues. Allot of a sudden he goes nuts. Saying that I’m a selfish bitch, that he’s going to put my information up on porn websites and that he’s going to tell everyone where I live and where I go to school. You may probably think I’m making this up. And I honesty wish was. Because what happens after that point just gets worse.
Shortly after that, and wasted efforts of reasoning with him to be amicable with me, I begin to get threatening text messages from two different phone numbers. Asking me for naked photos, and saying that they got my information off of a porn website. At first I didn’t think he really made any profiles with my information on it. But the text messages that I was receiving was so bad that phone couldn’t handle how fast they were coming in. (At the time I had a Motorola Razr Maxx) The messages kept saying the same thing over and over again: Can I fuck?, Gimmie some head bitch, Can I please?
I receive the messages as if a machine was sending them, to point where my phone lost function and began to freeze. I had to turn the ringer off because it wouldn’t stop. On top of that he sent out a text message offering people five thousand dollars for the rape and murder of me and a relative. At this point, I had to tell someone. So I told the person I knew would react in a calm matter. My Sister. After the threat happened, I had to tell my Mom, and we went and made a police report.
Shortly after that he began to black mail me for sex. And if I didn’t, then he would make profiles of me on porn websites and give out my information. Of course I told him no. But I don’t think that would have stopped him from doing it anyway. Everyone kept asking me if we were ever intimate or had sex at all. The truthful answer was no. We only saw each other three times when we went on those tree dates. The most we did was kiss. The next morning, I received dozens of text messages and missed calls from men, claiming to have seen my profile on Xvideos, and wanted to meet up with me. One of the numbers texting that kept sending those awful messages, sent me the link to one of the profiles. I was horrified. There was a picture of my face and in the bio it read that I had the desire to be rapped and that I would welcome anyone to approach me anywhere if they wanted sex and that they could just take it. On top of that, he also put my cell phone number, the borough I lived in, and where I went to school, while giving hints to where I lived. This had only been going on for four days, and within that time, I stopped sleeping, and stopped eating. I couldn’t skip school, as I had a project due with a partner, and would fail without handing it in. My digestive system became messed up, and I constantly feel sick to my stomach, but couldn’t eat anything. I was completely paralyzed with fear.
To make matters worse, he made another profile with the same thing. School became so difficult. I had to pass this semester, and I felt as if everyone was staring at me. I became easily frightened, and anti-social. I still felt and found the strength to fight for myself. I felt that if I dint do something about it, that he would do the same thing to another female. So with the law on my side, he was arrested. In fact, he harassed me up until the day he was arrested. I had to contact the porn websites to have my taken down which was a tedious task in itself.
The following summer was hard for me as all I wanted to do was stay in my room and never come out, except to get something to eat. I had so many plans before this happen to me. I was going to start posing more to Ighouda, but had to stop, well couldn’t start at all, out of fear that he would find it. I was planning to start going to the gym, and that had stopped completely, as I had lost all of my motivation and my energy to even think about going to the gym.
And when I thought things were looking up for the summer, the joke was on me. I got a letter in the mail saying that I had lost my financial aid for the following semester. I went through hell to get it back. And have been struggling with school ever since. I never thought school would be this stressful. And sometimes, I still feel like an idiot. My blogging stopped completely except for a couple of post that I had to force myself to do because I really didn’t want to let the companies down. I don’t get paid to write reviews, but when I do them. A promise is a promise. I never planned to take a hiatus, even if so, not this long. I had so many plans to Ighouda, and I still do. The semester went by fast that I lost track of time and with that lost motivation. Along with that, one year and seven months later. I am still being harassed by the same person.
But I’m not done. I still have plans, and blog posts to write. I just wanted to give everyone who comes across my blog, as glimpse of whats been going on. I hope that this post inspires others to get back up and try again. For where there is life, there is hope.
2 thoughts on “How Anxiety and Stress can kill ones Passion and Creativity”
I love this and can totally relate. I go through this more than often especially since I live in western New York. The cold gloomy weather makes it a perfect environment for the winter blues to roll through. I admire your courage to talk about such personal things as well. One piece of advice I would like to offer you is to proof read and spell check your post. Being a blogger myself, I read a lot of blogs and I have noticed the one of the biggest issues people have with bloggers is the lack of professionalism.(not saying you do) but misspelled and misused words will play a role in how people view and receive you as a writer. And how people view you determines if they they’ll keep coming back. So there you go. Great post 🙂
Thank you. I shared my experience in hopes of reaching other people who have gone through the same experience. But I will keep that mind when I’m writing.